I'm not suppose to cry like this

I'm strong. I'm suppose to have it all together? Right? In order to earn respect, love and rewards, I need to work for it? Right? Yeah, I know Jesus died for my sins, and it is simply faith in Him which washes me clean and gives me the right to be in relationship with God. But does God love me just as I am? Without me lifting one finger? Last week at DTS I learned how much He loved me. That He is love. I already knew this guys. I've heard it so much, you've heard it so much. So when I heard it, it didn't phase me, nothing to cry about.... nothing to smile about. I'm being honest here: I just felt plane bored hearing the same thing over and over: God loves me as I am. God is love, God is love....God is love! Nice words.....warm fuzzies maybe....you know what I'm talking about. But I felt unrest.....I wanted to scream. "God isn't just a lovey dovey chocolaty God!" This isn't helping. I know this, I know this. I've heard it all the time. I think even the first song I learned was Jesus loves me....and it comforted me like a teddy bear would when I had a nightmare. What's the big deal? So I said to myself, "okay, if this is nothing knew to me, what do I not know, that I might learn it and walk in more freedom and healing?"

Over the course of my prayers this weekend, I realized I didn't understand what love is. Or else I didn't understand thoroughly in my heart how God loves. Daily. Then today Jeff Pratt shared a true story of a man in the army with his friend who jumped on a hand grenade and ultimately took his life to keep him alive. His version was much more interesting than mine, by the way. But anyways when I heard it....now, I'm not suppose to cry, but I did....something broke in my good composure and I cried as he shared story after story of sacrificial love and passionately explained how God loves us like THAT. Then I realized that I did not really understand what love looked like. From the head to the heart.....again and again and again. I feel like God is breaking my control, my composure, my attitude that I need to have it all together. That He sacrificially and passionately loved me so much and saw me worthy of being pursued. He lives for my joy! He died for my life! He lives so that I can love.....and love likewise sacrificially so that the message which becomes more and more real to me every day might break those who think they have it all together, again and again and again. Wow! And even as I proofread this blog the tears begin to well up in my eyes once more. Sacrificial Love. As a father would die for his child....as a husband would lay down his life for his bride....as a friend would take the sting of death for his buddy. Now that, my friend gives a whole new tone to the three little words: God loves you.

Honeymoon with God

So, I've been here for two weeks now but it seems like way longer it may be the weather change from snow and evergreens to humidity, sun and beaches. Well, the first week I had a hard time adjusting to the new environment, schedule, and not knowing anyone. But sharing our personal testimonies Friday night really helped break our bubbles. In coming here, I was struggling with a lot of anxiety and inadequacy because I didn't feel ready to be a missionary, but after our first week of teaching and seeing how intense that was it set me at some ease! I'm going to be doing a whole lot of growing spiritually during this time I believe.

The first speaker was actually from my hometown and I immediately became very fond of him. He's an older guy in his 60's, a grandpa, pastor and overall a ball of fun. The theme this week was the book of John and we pretty much demolished our Bible pages with how many times we read through it this week! But each time I got so much new stuff out of it! Once we finally all got 100% on our book of John quiz he treated us to ice cream, and I got to feel like a little kid again! He also strongly encouraged us to make it a discipline to stay in the Word daily as well as making a habit of prayer every morning. Just those two things have made a huge difference in me! Praise God! I wonder what's next!

Another thing God is speaking to me is just to live in the present. Not to worry so much about the future and that God's got His hand on my life. As I've been praying I keep getting these pictures of Jesus dancing with me on the beach. And hearing God speak in my heart that He's my Abba, my Daddy and that He wants to give me the desires of my heart! God's been really touching my heart with His love and that He's the master painter, designer and Savior! While sailing this morning we sat on the edge of the boat and squealed like children as waves crashed over us. I just kept thinkin' "God why me? I don't deserve this." over and over again. He is doing something wonderful in my life and I can't believe I'm here. I pray that any of you who read this blog would also have Jesus romance you, in whatever way that it takes. Blessings to you all and thanks to all again who have helped me get here.

I'm here! I'm here!

All the anxiety, all the stress, all the busy preparations and worrying, and I'm here at last! I never would have guessed that it would be this easy! I'm here! All except my backpack which got lost on the way over! Haha, well not exactly lost I hope! When I went to pick up my bag, it was nowhere to be found! I think that someone slacked off and didnt remember to load my bag and one other students. But lets hope they follow through and remember to ship it here this morning. But I am very grateful to be here safely. Last night when I arrived in Belize city, the other students and I got to ride in the cutest smallest plane I've ever been in. Victoria got to sit in the cockpit! It was so cool, but I was afraid we'd crash, because there was a lot of turbulance and we were about as big as a 10 passenger van! When we finally landed at our destination we all walked over to the boat dock and got to ride in a motor boat on the lovely Carribean sea for about 15 minutes to our base. I could barely help myself from shrieking the whole time in delight! The water and sky were amazing! After arriving to the base, we got to have a brief orientation of where we'd be living and then we ate our dinner of massively huge hambergers like a pack of ravenous wolves! I was famished but thankful for such good hearty food. I had no idea how american it was going to be though. So, as soon as I could I climbed into my 'closet' of a bedroom, fell asleep like a baby being rocked to sleep with the Carribean waves and woke up in a sweat! But I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! I am sooo blessed! Can't immagine it being any better! So to all of you back at home who have prayed for me, journeyed with me during my planning and gave whatever you could to help me get here: I love you all and thank you! I will keep you posted!