I'm not suppose to cry like this

I'm strong. I'm suppose to have it all together? Right? In order to earn respect, love and rewards, I need to work for it? Right? Yeah, I know Jesus died for my sins, and it is simply faith in Him which washes me clean and gives me the right to be in relationship with God. But does God love me just as I am? Without me lifting one finger? Last week at DTS I learned how much He loved me. That He is love. I already knew this guys. I've heard it so much, you've heard it so much. So when I heard it, it didn't phase me, nothing to cry about.... nothing to smile about. I'm being honest here: I just felt plane bored hearing the same thing over and over: God loves me as I am. God is love, God is love....God is love! Nice words.....warm fuzzies maybe....you know what I'm talking about. But I felt unrest.....I wanted to scream. "God isn't just a lovey dovey chocolaty God!" This isn't helping. I know this, I know this. I've heard it all the time. I think even the first song I learned was Jesus loves me....and it comforted me like a teddy bear would when I had a nightmare. What's the big deal? So I said to myself, "okay, if this is nothing knew to me, what do I not know, that I might learn it and walk in more freedom and healing?"

Over the course of my prayers this weekend, I realized I didn't understand what love is. Or else I didn't understand thoroughly in my heart how God loves. Daily. Then today Jeff Pratt shared a true story of a man in the army with his friend who jumped on a hand grenade and ultimately took his life to keep him alive. His version was much more interesting than mine, by the way. But anyways when I heard it....now, I'm not suppose to cry, but I did....something broke in my good composure and I cried as he shared story after story of sacrificial love and passionately explained how God loves us like THAT. Then I realized that I did not really understand what love looked like. From the head to the heart.....again and again and again. I feel like God is breaking my control, my composure, my attitude that I need to have it all together. That He sacrificially and passionately loved me so much and saw me worthy of being pursued. He lives for my joy! He died for my life! He lives so that I can love.....and love likewise sacrificially so that the message which becomes more and more real to me every day might break those who think they have it all together, again and again and again. Wow! And even as I proofread this blog the tears begin to well up in my eyes once more. Sacrificial Love. As a father would die for his child....as a husband would lay down his life for his bride....as a friend would take the sting of death for his buddy. Now that, my friend gives a whole new tone to the three little words: God loves you.