I want to tell the world

I used to look out the windows of my coffee shop and my heart would groan within me, longing to be of more effect, longing to reach someone in need, longing to go, to touch lives and love on people, and so God in His gracious mercy answered my heart cry and sent me to a distant land, to a foreign place where I got to do just that. I spent 5 months in Central America. 3 of which I got to go deeper in relationship with Him and 2 of which I just practiced being the gospel, and meeting practical needs, like feeding the homeless and handing out clothes in slums, and it was exciting and amazing, and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I was doing exactly what God wanted me to do, which was love people, but soon as the place got familiar to me I began to dream about the next place, and the next foreign land. I longed to travel all over the world and just shine my little light every where that I could, but God had to shake me a little and get my attention. "Joy, it's not about what you can do for me, it's about what we can do together." See, I use to always want to have my name go down in the books, have biographies written about me, and be known as someone who was just like Jesus, but God revealed to me, that even in that I was being prideful. I wanted to be recognized, and Jesus had to remind me that He is the one to be glorified. Not me, not you, only Him, because He deserves the glory, no one else. And it wasn't the easiest revelation for me. In fact when God showed me how I had this hidden pride, and how ugly it really was, it hurt. That was the biggest change God did in me. Showing me that I need to go about things with a completely different motive. A motive to bring more glory to Him. And I'll have to be honest with you, it excites me so much that God would use a flawed person like me to help get His work done, when He is so powerful. I feel like a little toddler who picks up a hammer and says "Daddy can I help you?" and even though that toddler isn't really doing much, every attempt makes his daddy so proud. God's showing me that I'm the toddler, but that doesn't mean that I should attempt to achieve things any less, in fact I should all the more, but remind myself that I can't build the house of God without Him, the Master Carpenter! (borrowed toddler story from Jason Upton).
Another huge revelation God gave me is that I'm a missionary, and that has changed my entire way of going about everything that I do. I used to think it was more about doing, but I've learned that it is more about being. No matter where I am. I'm a missionary. Now, God has spoken to me quite clearly to be a missionary here, at home, at the coffee shop, at camp, and wherever I go, and when He does send me to the next place, I need to be a missionary there. To have the concept of being here now. And the great thing is, is that I don't need to stress about it any more, because the more excited I am about Jesus and what He's done for me and can do for others in bringing radical transformation, the less I need to stress about what to say. For example, when you really, really like someone, you just can't help but tell the world. Well, at least I can't. You want them to meet that person too, because you think the world of them. And that's what I think about Jesus and I hope and pray that you do too!

I now know my Father like I never did before!

Jesus once asked the question to his disciples "if a son asks for a fish will his father give him a snake?" Only now do I realize the depth of that question. It's crazy that when i ask God for something, I am shocked when He actually answers it, but why am I surprised? Do I pour my heart out to God enough? Well, until the last few months, I honestly didn't really believe in God really inclining His ear to me or even really caring about my little life way down here, my little spec of space I take up in comparison to the vast universe which God fills and exceeds. But, on my journey in working on my relationship with God the last 6 months by doing a DTS, I met the person of the Trinity that I knew so little about: The Father. A perfect loving Father, who always sees me as His little princess. I have often over the years seen Jesus as the Bridegroom and the Holy Spirit as the evidence of my salvation, but I had little concept of the Father. I know, I've talked about this before, but I have just been marveling at how different I've felt since knowing this person of Trinity. A father who loves to make my day, a father who is a strong protector like in the movie Taken. I've always longed to have a father like that. One who would go to the ends of the earth for me, and do every thing in his power to protect me, one who loves me know matter how many mistakes I've made, one who would love to see me be happy, but at the same time cry when He gives me away on my wedding day. But, all the searching, the pining, the the groping and the fussing over not having a father in my life, I've finally come to know that I already have one. Just like the song God laid on my heart: "You are always good when others faulter, you're the best Daddy I could ask for, you are always there when no one else is, you are my best friend Jesus." And it's true! And my Daddy wants to tell the world how much He loves His little girl! He wants to spoil me. Sometimes, He has to firmly tell me what I don't want to hear when I'm walking in a path that is not the best for me, but He's there for me no matter what my status is in the world. No matter how many other people are. My Daddy is the engineer, don't be afraid!
Often when I've experienced God's love channeled through people, whether they were boyfriends, parents, family and friends, I use to attribute that love to the people, but now I've began to see that although yes, they are loving people, it's God who is the one who put that love in their heart. So before when someone who once "loved" me, didn't any more, I would think that it meant I was unlovable, not beautiful or not worth it, but now, I see the bigger picture: God shows His love through people, so even when they fail, they are the one's who fail, not God. God loves me no matter what. Now I can rest in that love. Because I can now say with confidence, that I've got the most loving, perfect, amazing Dad in the whole wide world, and He loves you to, so if you do not know Him like I do, I encourage you to just sit at His feet, open His Word and read in 1st John, or ask me or someone else to tell you more about this Father we know. A father who is unchanging and never brakes His word, and He is sorry for any bad father figures out there, because that was never His intention. Jesus Christ, Abba Father, Holy God, Wonerful Counselor and Everlasting Father, wants to be in a relationship with you and if you don't know Him very well, He's waiting for you to simply be still and truly listen, cuz He's got a love letter written for you.

In Hot Pursuit

I woke up, I was a little cold, and then I realized I was not alone in my bed. It took a bit for me to realize for the 4th morning I've been back from DTS that I was indeed not in Belize anymore. When I turned to see was in my bed, I realized that it was my former room-mate Hope. "Awe.....she climbed in bed with me." I thought, and then I realized that she was not in my bed, I was in her little twin size bed at the house i use to live at in Renton. I felt more hopeful, knowing that even though it had been 5 months we hadn't seen eachother, she was still a very close friend/room-mate. I was immediately excited and eager to start the day! It was Monday, I was back at my home country, and there were endless possibilites waiting at my fingertips. "What should I do today?" I thought. There was so much going through my mind. I'd been homesick for at least 4 months, and now I was home. But then, there was a little sadness that crempt into my heart. "What is wrong?" I asked myself. "Everything is going so well. I got to share my journey at Bible Study friday night, I'd been connecting with my friends, I've been embraced warmly and welcomed home by my wonderful mom, sister and brothers, and I'd met another special friend who I had been enjoying getting to know since I'd been home. I had high hopes for the near future, been hired as a camp counselor and I really didn't have anything to complain about, but I still felt a little sad and empty. Maybe I was missing the beauty of the Carribean beach, the people we got to serve and children we got to love. But, then it was like I heard a whisper and I knew it was Jesus. "I miss you Joy, come out with me." It made me almost cry, but I didn't I knew He understood, I had been busy, consumed with knew adventures, friends, family and fun. I wasn't really desperate for His help. Honestly that is how I felt. But in response to the whisper. I missed Jesus too. I'd been spending every morning in the garden in YWAM El Sal, or having a walk on the beach in Belize and talking to my Beloved, but since I'd been home, my commitment to have daily dates with Jesus kinda was pushed to the back burner.
That was it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew Jesus hadn't changed. He was waiting outside my front door, and lightly rapping on the door of my heart, saying "Joy, I miss you, but I love you just the same, and even though you kinda stood me up every morning since you'd been home, I don't care, and I forgive you, but I've got a great idea for a date this morning!!!!!!!!!!!" I got excited, it was 6am, but I bolted out of bed, got my running shoes on, threw on my jacket, was thinking about grabbing my cell phone just in case someone was trying to get ahold of me, when I realized that I no longer had a cell phone. But then I felt relieved and knew Jesus was still standing there as I opened the front door to let him in. He was grinnning from ear to ear. You don't need a cell phone Joy, because it's our date, and you have ME! That made me very content and happy and Hope just then came out the door and invited me to go jogging with her, but I easily said, that it was okay, and I'd catch her later.
Jesus and I ran down past the library and park and ran far down to the Cedar River bank. We had a wonderful talk, but I did most of the talking. I had a big question pesterinig me and I was dying to ask Him. So I finally did.
"Jesus, what do you think about my new friend? Should I be dating Him? Do you approve? Is He Mr. Right?" I was almost afraid of asking such a specific question of Jesus. I thought maybe He'd be jealous. But all He said was. "You're afraid, aren't you? You are afraid of good things? You are afraid to love? What if I told you he was and I'm the one who brought him to you?" I became very quiet. Maybe I wasn't hearing from Jesus at all. "Jesus, take him away if he's not the guy you want for me. If he's taking me away from you. I don't want him in my life. Besides.....I don't deserve this so soon, I don't have a perfect past. I don't deserve a guy this good." But then Jesus was standing next to me, whild I sat hugging my knees, watching the the fallen evergreen branches be whisked away by the cold rushing Cedar river. I peeked up at Jesus and He was frowning a bit. "Joy, you are my princess and you deserve any gift that I want to give you." I wondered what He meant by this. Did I meet the right guy, or perhaps he was just another friend that I needed to learn something from on my journey with God. I asked Jesus if He could tell me more, but He just kinda didn't say anything else, I knew that He just didn't want me to know yet. I knew that it meant I wasn't ready to know yet, and as I learned in Sunday's sermon, Pastor Seim said, "God reveals what you need to know when you need to know it." I realized that it wasn't my time to know yet. But, I still felt at peace, so I determined I'd just follow the path of peace. Respect my new friend, keep our new relationship pure, and continue to go after following Jesus where ever He'd lead me.
Then I looked up and right then a bald eagle flew right above my head. It nearly took my breath away. It was like a kiss from heaven and it warmed my heart. Then I straitened myself and with my surge of Holy Spirit energy and ran my heart out deeper into the beautiful Cedar River trail, my heart exploding with the reminder of Jesus' love fore me.
As I remind myself of that beautiful romantic date with Jesus Monday morning, it just makes me want to continue to go deeper with God and not let anything come in between us! Jesus is so worth it guys....and He loves you, created you with the desires in your heart and desperatley wants to fulfill them. Dream big, surrender everything to Him and remember that every morning you rush into the day without first reading His love notes to you, He misses you, but He will NEVER stop pursuing you and He's lightly rapping on the door of your heart, whispering your name. "Wake up my Beloved, I want to go on an adventure with you!"

My adventure with God

So I've been on this journey of discovering more about God which I never thought possible before. I'm discovering more about God, and in some ways it's changing my whole concept of who He is. I always thought of Him as Holy, someone to be feared, honored and obeyed, but I've been discovering this new aspect of who He is. That He is someone who has tender feelings towards me, an intimate, loving being who wants to be my beloved. A beloved who cares so much about me that He wants to fulfill my deepest needs and desires. He wants to go on adventure with me and captivate me with His beauty displayed in all that He's made. I love His creation, I love mountains, streams, beaches and exotic birds and colorful flowers. I love fresh fruit, and I love discovering new kinds of food that I never drempt existed. It's like I'm discovering a new world, and I love every moment of it. I love El Salvador. A new culture, language, beautiful, warm hearted people and breathtaking mountainous regiouns. More of which I still have yet to discover. Travelling is so much fun, but it's so much more fun when I do it with a friend. It's so awesome that I get to do it with God and be able to bless people here in so many ways. Last week I got to help create a vegetable garden for this orphanage in the mountains and then play with the children for the rest of the day. There were times in the day when I just needed to take a moment off in Joyland and take it all in. Wow! God loves me so much that He wanted to bless me with all of this! "God You are just too good for me, I don't deserve this!" but I could just feel His warm gaze upon me saying "Joy you just have no idea how much I love you, do you?" Obviously I don't, but God just keeps revealing more and more of His love for me, and it's stinkin' amazing guys!
I've been wondering a lot about my future. I've been praying a lot about it too. Reading His Word, talking to my mentor and doing a lot of deep thinking. When I ask God what I'm suppose to do, He just keeps asking me the same thing: "What do you want to do, Joy?" This is twisting my whole philosophy of who He is. I tell Him, "God, I want to do whatever you ask me to do. Should I go to college to become a counselor? Should I spend a year interning at Island Lake camp? what about YWAM Denver Secondary school of social justice?" but all I get from God is, "Joy, you choose, I approve of it all." Then I take a double take. This can't be God! He tells me what to do, and I obey. Right? But no, He's wanting to show me how much He loves me. That He wants to fulfill my desires. To just go for it! So, after months of praying, reading, debating, talking with my mentors, I daringly took a little step, and applied for Denver's school of social justice. This would prepare me more with working with victims of trafficking, modern day slavery and bringing awareness and justice to these issues. I'm also going to go ahead and apply to some Christian colleges for Biblical counseling. Counseling victims of trafficking, youth and children is huge on my heart. I've been realizing that God put this desire in my heart. I'd really appreciate it if you guys could continue to pray for me as I decide what to do and where to go. Pray that I would continue to surrender all my plans to God. Pray that I'd continue to trust God for provision, and if God leads you to donate towards my missionary endeavors, you are more than welcome to donate through my Paypal account here on my blog. Thank you guys for being a part of my life, and I can't wait to see many of you in just a few weeks here!

Can I outdream God?

"Now when you dream, dream so big, that God has to be the one to fulfill them" said speaker Dan Baumann during lecture phase of DTS. I recalled this as I walked the streets of San Salvador. I remembered how it took such a big miracle to even bring me here. A huge financial miracle, that I could not do on my own at all. It seems that sometimes God has to remind us over and over again. "My daughter, my son, don't you remember what I did?" He says, and we respond bashfully. "Yes, I rembemer" It's crazy how many times God does a miracle, and we forget how miraculous it was. I mean, I just think it is sooo amazing that I'm here, in El Salvador having all of these opportunities! One day my team helped in feeding 100 hungry children in a poor gang infested neighborhood, another day we got to paint a beautiful miral of a waterfall and mountains with a Psalm written above it for a school, another time we got to do the life house drama for prostitutes who were moved to tears with the knowledge of the power of Christ and again and again we get to share our testimonies over and over about the power of God's transformation in our lives. And yet, I still question God's might and power. Why? It doesn't make sense. I have so many dreams, to travel to poor countries, counsel prostitutes and trafficked children, to love on forgotten children and to disciple youth. There are so many places I'd like to go. God has given me a heart for latin American countries, for Europe, Japan, and my own, there are so many things I'd like to do with God. I've been praying a lot about what I should do in my near future, and when an idea comes, I take it to God and all I hear is, "Yes" from Him. This has been a bit confusing at times. Especially when I'm literally running out of money. Should money be an obsticle, when God did this HUGE miracle in getting me to Belize! Why do I doubt His power? His ability. Could it mean that God is going to take me to all of them? Am I dreaming too big? Not when the dreams are planted there by God. Not when I serve a God so big! A God who made all of these countries, who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He is a God who has taught me, all you need to say is yes to Him, and He'll take care of the rest. It's that simple. It doesn't always seem that way though, and there seems to be so much learning I have yet to learn about God's faithfulness and trusting Him. So, I just want to encourage you all, whoever happens to be reading my blog, dream so big that it has to be God who fulfills them. This was said from a man who was inprisoned in Iran for 9 weeks, and God got him out in a miraculous way and now he is travelling all over the world touching people's lives for Christ!

Loving the least of these

For the past couple years ever since I heard a young woman share at my grandma's church about the work she does working with victims of sex trafficking and educated us about the realities of this harsh reality my heart has been burdened for those in the sex trade and child exploitation, prostitutes transvestites. I just can't get it out of my mind! My heart is so passionate to see women, men and children escape the trap! There are so many people stuck in this business and it is hurting so many. The moment I heard about what Rochelle Potter does working with these people groups, I immediately felt a tug on my heart and that maybe God was calling me into this kind of ministry myself. When it came to the choice of where to go for outreach, Turkey or El Salvador, little did I know that by God leading me to El Salvador that He was oppening wide the opportunity to do what I was passionate about. I've been on outreach now in El Salvador for 2 weeks now and I wondered if I might get the chance to share the love of God with them. I also, found out that the city where I am staying, trafficking and prostitution is very prominant. I was a little scared at first, but God immediately filled our team with so much peace, and I knew that He was with me and protecting us. One morning while I was jogging with one our my hosts from the El Sal YWAM base, she informed me that the very street we jogged around had prostitutes and transvestites lining it at night and my heart jumped inside. Partly out of sadness, partly out of hope that God would use me to work with them. The next day I lead the team in intercession for the prostitutes and transvestites, and the day after that I found out that we were going to have a chance to talk with them with our local El Salvadorians hosts. The first night we rode in the back of Fran's pick-up and just observed, and the next time we visited we went up to them and handed out cups of coke and bags of cookies! They knew who our hosts were and readily welcomed us! We even asked them if we could pray for them and they let us. I will never forget this one young woman who teared up when we told her how God loved her and I could almost hear her crying out inside to escape the life she had become so familiar with. What we did seemed so small, and yet it seemed to shatter skyscrapers of hurt and pain. But, from my knowledge it takes more than one visit to really build a trusting relationship with them to really go deep in conversation and get them to allow you to really disciple them. They all know in their mind who God is, but to really get to the heart is another story. I wondered how much good we really did, and as we walked back home I said to myself: "God, is this really doing much, or am I just kinda wasting time simply with coke, cookies and sweet little blessing?" The night grew darker and the city noises quieter and in the quiet I recalled the passage of scripture in Matthew 25. "As much as you have done to the least of these my brethren, you have done it to me."

Being stretched isn't the easiest thing!

A couple nights ago I lied awake from 10pm until 2am and couldn't sleep....Why? Maybe because I was sleeping on a thin mat on the cement floor, or maybe because I couldn't shut off my mind, either way, I couln't fall asleep very fast so I decided I should talk to God. Honestly I've been struggling a bit lately because I feel like I should be farther than I am, in maturity, discipline, confidence, etc. I just am a little dissapointed in myself I guess. So I decided to talk to God about it. "God why do I kinda feel the same, and struggle with the same stuff that I thought I learned a long time ago?" I didn't really hear an answer, but I felt like I should just think about the last 6 years, about what God has taught me and what He's done in me. I began thinking about all the things I did. From going to India, to being engaged and it not being the right thing, worked about 10 different jobs, lived in about 6 different houses, had times when I felt close to God and times when I really struggled in my faith. As I thought about my past, I started thinking about the present and as I did, I began to realize how faithful God has taken me through so much crap, and how over the past 6 years, the enemy has surely tried to do his best to distract me from the mission God has called me to. So many things ensnared me and took me off guard, and yet I'm here, feeling completely content knowing that I'm exactly where He wants me! I'm sleeping on the floor caked with sweat and dirt, hoping mosquitos and spiders won't eat me in my vulnerability and feeling a sense of joy, more than I've ever had before. And as I think about my circumstances, it doesn't make sense really for me to be so content! I mean I have to pump the well at least 15 times to get enough water in a bucket so I can take a shower by dumping buckets of water over my head, then I've got the lovely 2 inch long cockroaches grazing in the outhouse, no running water anywhere, and 11 people sleeping in the one-room church, 9 girls and 2 guys. It makes changing quite challenging for sure. Yet in the midst of living in such poverty, I feel that God is teaching me so much more about gratefulness! How much I was blessed back home, and yet was so blind to how well off I was living! One night we were going to a night prayer watch with the pastor who was hosting us. A pick-up arrived to take us there and there wasn't enough room for us to sit in the cab so 10 of us climbed in the back. Ok, no biggy. 10 in the back. But, as we drove down the dirt rode we stopped at several of the villagers homes and a several more people climbed in the back. What! I thought. 20 people in the back? I think God was enjoying shocking me out of my comfort zone, especially once 18 more people climbed in. I'm seriously not joking! We counted 48 people standing, in the back of this pickup. We were so crowded, that a couple of us had to ride on the roof. I never prayed so hard for dear life, that nobody would fall out! But it was pretty exciting, and I'm still alive. Don't try this at home, or you will soon have a crazy big ticket! LOL. Anyways, God is really stretching me. It's not all enjoyable, but I don't feel alone in this journey at all. I'm getting to love on people here in El Salvador, and He's teaching me charactar. But praise God, I'm staying in a nicer place now, with internet again, a bed, a washer and a flushing toilet, and I could never be more thankful for Him oppening my eyes to see what I really have!