I want to tell the world

I used to look out the windows of my coffee shop and my heart would groan within me, longing to be of more effect, longing to reach someone in need, longing to go, to touch lives and love on people, and so God in His gracious mercy answered my heart cry and sent me to a distant land, to a foreign place where I got to do just that. I spent 5 months in Central America. 3 of which I got to go deeper in relationship with Him and 2 of which I just practiced being the gospel, and meeting practical needs, like feeding the homeless and handing out clothes in slums, and it was exciting and amazing, and I felt so fulfilled knowing that I was doing exactly what God wanted me to do, which was love people, but soon as the place got familiar to me I began to dream about the next place, and the next foreign land. I longed to travel all over the world and just shine my little light every where that I could, but God had to shake me a little and get my attention. "Joy, it's not about what you can do for me, it's about what we can do together." See, I use to always want to have my name go down in the books, have biographies written about me, and be known as someone who was just like Jesus, but God revealed to me, that even in that I was being prideful. I wanted to be recognized, and Jesus had to remind me that He is the one to be glorified. Not me, not you, only Him, because He deserves the glory, no one else. And it wasn't the easiest revelation for me. In fact when God showed me how I had this hidden pride, and how ugly it really was, it hurt. That was the biggest change God did in me. Showing me that I need to go about things with a completely different motive. A motive to bring more glory to Him. And I'll have to be honest with you, it excites me so much that God would use a flawed person like me to help get His work done, when He is so powerful. I feel like a little toddler who picks up a hammer and says "Daddy can I help you?" and even though that toddler isn't really doing much, every attempt makes his daddy so proud. God's showing me that I'm the toddler, but that doesn't mean that I should attempt to achieve things any less, in fact I should all the more, but remind myself that I can't build the house of God without Him, the Master Carpenter! (borrowed toddler story from Jason Upton).
Another huge revelation God gave me is that I'm a missionary, and that has changed my entire way of going about everything that I do. I used to think it was more about doing, but I've learned that it is more about being. No matter where I am. I'm a missionary. Now, God has spoken to me quite clearly to be a missionary here, at home, at the coffee shop, at camp, and wherever I go, and when He does send me to the next place, I need to be a missionary there. To have the concept of being here now. And the great thing is, is that I don't need to stress about it any more, because the more excited I am about Jesus and what He's done for me and can do for others in bringing radical transformation, the less I need to stress about what to say. For example, when you really, really like someone, you just can't help but tell the world. Well, at least I can't. You want them to meet that person too, because you think the world of them. And that's what I think about Jesus and I hope and pray that you do too!

I now know my Father like I never did before!

Jesus once asked the question to his disciples "if a son asks for a fish will his father give him a snake?" Only now do I realize the depth of that question. It's crazy that when i ask God for something, I am shocked when He actually answers it, but why am I surprised? Do I pour my heart out to God enough? Well, until the last few months, I honestly didn't really believe in God really inclining His ear to me or even really caring about my little life way down here, my little spec of space I take up in comparison to the vast universe which God fills and exceeds. But, on my journey in working on my relationship with God the last 6 months by doing a DTS, I met the person of the Trinity that I knew so little about: The Father. A perfect loving Father, who always sees me as His little princess. I have often over the years seen Jesus as the Bridegroom and the Holy Spirit as the evidence of my salvation, but I had little concept of the Father. I know, I've talked about this before, but I have just been marveling at how different I've felt since knowing this person of Trinity. A father who loves to make my day, a father who is a strong protector like in the movie Taken. I've always longed to have a father like that. One who would go to the ends of the earth for me, and do every thing in his power to protect me, one who loves me know matter how many mistakes I've made, one who would love to see me be happy, but at the same time cry when He gives me away on my wedding day. But, all the searching, the pining, the the groping and the fussing over not having a father in my life, I've finally come to know that I already have one. Just like the song God laid on my heart: "You are always good when others faulter, you're the best Daddy I could ask for, you are always there when no one else is, you are my best friend Jesus." And it's true! And my Daddy wants to tell the world how much He loves His little girl! He wants to spoil me. Sometimes, He has to firmly tell me what I don't want to hear when I'm walking in a path that is not the best for me, but He's there for me no matter what my status is in the world. No matter how many other people are. My Daddy is the engineer, don't be afraid!
Often when I've experienced God's love channeled through people, whether they were boyfriends, parents, family and friends, I use to attribute that love to the people, but now I've began to see that although yes, they are loving people, it's God who is the one who put that love in their heart. So before when someone who once "loved" me, didn't any more, I would think that it meant I was unlovable, not beautiful or not worth it, but now, I see the bigger picture: God shows His love through people, so even when they fail, they are the one's who fail, not God. God loves me no matter what. Now I can rest in that love. Because I can now say with confidence, that I've got the most loving, perfect, amazing Dad in the whole wide world, and He loves you to, so if you do not know Him like I do, I encourage you to just sit at His feet, open His Word and read in 1st John, or ask me or someone else to tell you more about this Father we know. A father who is unchanging and never brakes His word, and He is sorry for any bad father figures out there, because that was never His intention. Jesus Christ, Abba Father, Holy God, Wonerful Counselor and Everlasting Father, wants to be in a relationship with you and if you don't know Him very well, He's waiting for you to simply be still and truly listen, cuz He's got a love letter written for you.

In Hot Pursuit

I woke up, I was a little cold, and then I realized I was not alone in my bed. It took a bit for me to realize for the 4th morning I've been back from DTS that I was indeed not in Belize anymore. When I turned to see was in my bed, I realized that it was my former room-mate Hope. "Awe.....she climbed in bed with me." I thought, and then I realized that she was not in my bed, I was in her little twin size bed at the house i use to live at in Renton. I felt more hopeful, knowing that even though it had been 5 months we hadn't seen eachother, she was still a very close friend/room-mate. I was immediately excited and eager to start the day! It was Monday, I was back at my home country, and there were endless possibilites waiting at my fingertips. "What should I do today?" I thought. There was so much going through my mind. I'd been homesick for at least 4 months, and now I was home. But then, there was a little sadness that crempt into my heart. "What is wrong?" I asked myself. "Everything is going so well. I got to share my journey at Bible Study friday night, I'd been connecting with my friends, I've been embraced warmly and welcomed home by my wonderful mom, sister and brothers, and I'd met another special friend who I had been enjoying getting to know since I'd been home. I had high hopes for the near future, been hired as a camp counselor and I really didn't have anything to complain about, but I still felt a little sad and empty. Maybe I was missing the beauty of the Carribean beach, the people we got to serve and children we got to love. But, then it was like I heard a whisper and I knew it was Jesus. "I miss you Joy, come out with me." It made me almost cry, but I didn't I knew He understood, I had been busy, consumed with knew adventures, friends, family and fun. I wasn't really desperate for His help. Honestly that is how I felt. But in response to the whisper. I missed Jesus too. I'd been spending every morning in the garden in YWAM El Sal, or having a walk on the beach in Belize and talking to my Beloved, but since I'd been home, my commitment to have daily dates with Jesus kinda was pushed to the back burner.
That was it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew Jesus hadn't changed. He was waiting outside my front door, and lightly rapping on the door of my heart, saying "Joy, I miss you, but I love you just the same, and even though you kinda stood me up every morning since you'd been home, I don't care, and I forgive you, but I've got a great idea for a date this morning!!!!!!!!!!!" I got excited, it was 6am, but I bolted out of bed, got my running shoes on, threw on my jacket, was thinking about grabbing my cell phone just in case someone was trying to get ahold of me, when I realized that I no longer had a cell phone. But then I felt relieved and knew Jesus was still standing there as I opened the front door to let him in. He was grinnning from ear to ear. You don't need a cell phone Joy, because it's our date, and you have ME! That made me very content and happy and Hope just then came out the door and invited me to go jogging with her, but I easily said, that it was okay, and I'd catch her later.
Jesus and I ran down past the library and park and ran far down to the Cedar River bank. We had a wonderful talk, but I did most of the talking. I had a big question pesterinig me and I was dying to ask Him. So I finally did.
"Jesus, what do you think about my new friend? Should I be dating Him? Do you approve? Is He Mr. Right?" I was almost afraid of asking such a specific question of Jesus. I thought maybe He'd be jealous. But all He said was. "You're afraid, aren't you? You are afraid of good things? You are afraid to love? What if I told you he was and I'm the one who brought him to you?" I became very quiet. Maybe I wasn't hearing from Jesus at all. "Jesus, take him away if he's not the guy you want for me. If he's taking me away from you. I don't want him in my life. Besides.....I don't deserve this so soon, I don't have a perfect past. I don't deserve a guy this good." But then Jesus was standing next to me, whild I sat hugging my knees, watching the the fallen evergreen branches be whisked away by the cold rushing Cedar river. I peeked up at Jesus and He was frowning a bit. "Joy, you are my princess and you deserve any gift that I want to give you." I wondered what He meant by this. Did I meet the right guy, or perhaps he was just another friend that I needed to learn something from on my journey with God. I asked Jesus if He could tell me more, but He just kinda didn't say anything else, I knew that He just didn't want me to know yet. I knew that it meant I wasn't ready to know yet, and as I learned in Sunday's sermon, Pastor Seim said, "God reveals what you need to know when you need to know it." I realized that it wasn't my time to know yet. But, I still felt at peace, so I determined I'd just follow the path of peace. Respect my new friend, keep our new relationship pure, and continue to go after following Jesus where ever He'd lead me.
Then I looked up and right then a bald eagle flew right above my head. It nearly took my breath away. It was like a kiss from heaven and it warmed my heart. Then I straitened myself and with my surge of Holy Spirit energy and ran my heart out deeper into the beautiful Cedar River trail, my heart exploding with the reminder of Jesus' love fore me.
As I remind myself of that beautiful romantic date with Jesus Monday morning, it just makes me want to continue to go deeper with God and not let anything come in between us! Jesus is so worth it guys....and He loves you, created you with the desires in your heart and desperatley wants to fulfill them. Dream big, surrender everything to Him and remember that every morning you rush into the day without first reading His love notes to you, He misses you, but He will NEVER stop pursuing you and He's lightly rapping on the door of your heart, whispering your name. "Wake up my Beloved, I want to go on an adventure with you!"

My adventure with God

So I've been on this journey of discovering more about God which I never thought possible before. I'm discovering more about God, and in some ways it's changing my whole concept of who He is. I always thought of Him as Holy, someone to be feared, honored and obeyed, but I've been discovering this new aspect of who He is. That He is someone who has tender feelings towards me, an intimate, loving being who wants to be my beloved. A beloved who cares so much about me that He wants to fulfill my deepest needs and desires. He wants to go on adventure with me and captivate me with His beauty displayed in all that He's made. I love His creation, I love mountains, streams, beaches and exotic birds and colorful flowers. I love fresh fruit, and I love discovering new kinds of food that I never drempt existed. It's like I'm discovering a new world, and I love every moment of it. I love El Salvador. A new culture, language, beautiful, warm hearted people and breathtaking mountainous regiouns. More of which I still have yet to discover. Travelling is so much fun, but it's so much more fun when I do it with a friend. It's so awesome that I get to do it with God and be able to bless people here in so many ways. Last week I got to help create a vegetable garden for this orphanage in the mountains and then play with the children for the rest of the day. There were times in the day when I just needed to take a moment off in Joyland and take it all in. Wow! God loves me so much that He wanted to bless me with all of this! "God You are just too good for me, I don't deserve this!" but I could just feel His warm gaze upon me saying "Joy you just have no idea how much I love you, do you?" Obviously I don't, but God just keeps revealing more and more of His love for me, and it's stinkin' amazing guys!
I've been wondering a lot about my future. I've been praying a lot about it too. Reading His Word, talking to my mentor and doing a lot of deep thinking. When I ask God what I'm suppose to do, He just keeps asking me the same thing: "What do you want to do, Joy?" This is twisting my whole philosophy of who He is. I tell Him, "God, I want to do whatever you ask me to do. Should I go to college to become a counselor? Should I spend a year interning at Island Lake camp? what about YWAM Denver Secondary school of social justice?" but all I get from God is, "Joy, you choose, I approve of it all." Then I take a double take. This can't be God! He tells me what to do, and I obey. Right? But no, He's wanting to show me how much He loves me. That He wants to fulfill my desires. To just go for it! So, after months of praying, reading, debating, talking with my mentors, I daringly took a little step, and applied for Denver's school of social justice. This would prepare me more with working with victims of trafficking, modern day slavery and bringing awareness and justice to these issues. I'm also going to go ahead and apply to some Christian colleges for Biblical counseling. Counseling victims of trafficking, youth and children is huge on my heart. I've been realizing that God put this desire in my heart. I'd really appreciate it if you guys could continue to pray for me as I decide what to do and where to go. Pray that I would continue to surrender all my plans to God. Pray that I'd continue to trust God for provision, and if God leads you to donate towards my missionary endeavors, you are more than welcome to donate through my Paypal account here on my blog. Thank you guys for being a part of my life, and I can't wait to see many of you in just a few weeks here!

Can I outdream God?

"Now when you dream, dream so big, that God has to be the one to fulfill them" said speaker Dan Baumann during lecture phase of DTS. I recalled this as I walked the streets of San Salvador. I remembered how it took such a big miracle to even bring me here. A huge financial miracle, that I could not do on my own at all. It seems that sometimes God has to remind us over and over again. "My daughter, my son, don't you remember what I did?" He says, and we respond bashfully. "Yes, I rembemer" It's crazy how many times God does a miracle, and we forget how miraculous it was. I mean, I just think it is sooo amazing that I'm here, in El Salvador having all of these opportunities! One day my team helped in feeding 100 hungry children in a poor gang infested neighborhood, another day we got to paint a beautiful miral of a waterfall and mountains with a Psalm written above it for a school, another time we got to do the life house drama for prostitutes who were moved to tears with the knowledge of the power of Christ and again and again we get to share our testimonies over and over about the power of God's transformation in our lives. And yet, I still question God's might and power. Why? It doesn't make sense. I have so many dreams, to travel to poor countries, counsel prostitutes and trafficked children, to love on forgotten children and to disciple youth. There are so many places I'd like to go. God has given me a heart for latin American countries, for Europe, Japan, and my own, there are so many things I'd like to do with God. I've been praying a lot about what I should do in my near future, and when an idea comes, I take it to God and all I hear is, "Yes" from Him. This has been a bit confusing at times. Especially when I'm literally running out of money. Should money be an obsticle, when God did this HUGE miracle in getting me to Belize! Why do I doubt His power? His ability. Could it mean that God is going to take me to all of them? Am I dreaming too big? Not when the dreams are planted there by God. Not when I serve a God so big! A God who made all of these countries, who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He is a God who has taught me, all you need to say is yes to Him, and He'll take care of the rest. It's that simple. It doesn't always seem that way though, and there seems to be so much learning I have yet to learn about God's faithfulness and trusting Him. So, I just want to encourage you all, whoever happens to be reading my blog, dream so big that it has to be God who fulfills them. This was said from a man who was inprisoned in Iran for 9 weeks, and God got him out in a miraculous way and now he is travelling all over the world touching people's lives for Christ!

Loving the least of these

For the past couple years ever since I heard a young woman share at my grandma's church about the work she does working with victims of sex trafficking and educated us about the realities of this harsh reality my heart has been burdened for those in the sex trade and child exploitation, prostitutes transvestites. I just can't get it out of my mind! My heart is so passionate to see women, men and children escape the trap! There are so many people stuck in this business and it is hurting so many. The moment I heard about what Rochelle Potter does working with these people groups, I immediately felt a tug on my heart and that maybe God was calling me into this kind of ministry myself. When it came to the choice of where to go for outreach, Turkey or El Salvador, little did I know that by God leading me to El Salvador that He was oppening wide the opportunity to do what I was passionate about. I've been on outreach now in El Salvador for 2 weeks now and I wondered if I might get the chance to share the love of God with them. I also, found out that the city where I am staying, trafficking and prostitution is very prominant. I was a little scared at first, but God immediately filled our team with so much peace, and I knew that He was with me and protecting us. One morning while I was jogging with one our my hosts from the El Sal YWAM base, she informed me that the very street we jogged around had prostitutes and transvestites lining it at night and my heart jumped inside. Partly out of sadness, partly out of hope that God would use me to work with them. The next day I lead the team in intercession for the prostitutes and transvestites, and the day after that I found out that we were going to have a chance to talk with them with our local El Salvadorians hosts. The first night we rode in the back of Fran's pick-up and just observed, and the next time we visited we went up to them and handed out cups of coke and bags of cookies! They knew who our hosts were and readily welcomed us! We even asked them if we could pray for them and they let us. I will never forget this one young woman who teared up when we told her how God loved her and I could almost hear her crying out inside to escape the life she had become so familiar with. What we did seemed so small, and yet it seemed to shatter skyscrapers of hurt and pain. But, from my knowledge it takes more than one visit to really build a trusting relationship with them to really go deep in conversation and get them to allow you to really disciple them. They all know in their mind who God is, but to really get to the heart is another story. I wondered how much good we really did, and as we walked back home I said to myself: "God, is this really doing much, or am I just kinda wasting time simply with coke, cookies and sweet little blessing?" The night grew darker and the city noises quieter and in the quiet I recalled the passage of scripture in Matthew 25. "As much as you have done to the least of these my brethren, you have done it to me."

Being stretched isn't the easiest thing!

A couple nights ago I lied awake from 10pm until 2am and couldn't sleep....Why? Maybe because I was sleeping on a thin mat on the cement floor, or maybe because I couldn't shut off my mind, either way, I couln't fall asleep very fast so I decided I should talk to God. Honestly I've been struggling a bit lately because I feel like I should be farther than I am, in maturity, discipline, confidence, etc. I just am a little dissapointed in myself I guess. So I decided to talk to God about it. "God why do I kinda feel the same, and struggle with the same stuff that I thought I learned a long time ago?" I didn't really hear an answer, but I felt like I should just think about the last 6 years, about what God has taught me and what He's done in me. I began thinking about all the things I did. From going to India, to being engaged and it not being the right thing, worked about 10 different jobs, lived in about 6 different houses, had times when I felt close to God and times when I really struggled in my faith. As I thought about my past, I started thinking about the present and as I did, I began to realize how faithful God has taken me through so much crap, and how over the past 6 years, the enemy has surely tried to do his best to distract me from the mission God has called me to. So many things ensnared me and took me off guard, and yet I'm here, feeling completely content knowing that I'm exactly where He wants me! I'm sleeping on the floor caked with sweat and dirt, hoping mosquitos and spiders won't eat me in my vulnerability and feeling a sense of joy, more than I've ever had before. And as I think about my circumstances, it doesn't make sense really for me to be so content! I mean I have to pump the well at least 15 times to get enough water in a bucket so I can take a shower by dumping buckets of water over my head, then I've got the lovely 2 inch long cockroaches grazing in the outhouse, no running water anywhere, and 11 people sleeping in the one-room church, 9 girls and 2 guys. It makes changing quite challenging for sure. Yet in the midst of living in such poverty, I feel that God is teaching me so much more about gratefulness! How much I was blessed back home, and yet was so blind to how well off I was living! One night we were going to a night prayer watch with the pastor who was hosting us. A pick-up arrived to take us there and there wasn't enough room for us to sit in the cab so 10 of us climbed in the back. Ok, no biggy. 10 in the back. But, as we drove down the dirt rode we stopped at several of the villagers homes and a several more people climbed in the back. What! I thought. 20 people in the back? I think God was enjoying shocking me out of my comfort zone, especially once 18 more people climbed in. I'm seriously not joking! We counted 48 people standing, in the back of this pickup. We were so crowded, that a couple of us had to ride on the roof. I never prayed so hard for dear life, that nobody would fall out! But it was pretty exciting, and I'm still alive. Don't try this at home, or you will soon have a crazy big ticket! LOL. Anyways, God is really stretching me. It's not all enjoyable, but I don't feel alone in this journey at all. I'm getting to love on people here in El Salvador, and He's teaching me charactar. But praise God, I'm staying in a nicer place now, with internet again, a bed, a washer and a flushing toilet, and I could never be more thankful for Him oppening my eyes to see what I really have!

Heaven tastes like chocolate cake to me

Alas, sadly this lecture phase is drawing to a close, and in 5 beautiful days I will be leaving this paradise in San Pedro, Belize for El Salvador to embark on the second phase of my DTS called outreach! Woohoo! I will be with 8 other gals and one guy along with an amazing leader doing some ministry with kids, the poor and people needing the love of Jesus! We are going to start off our El Salvador outreach partnering with YWAM El Salvador who will be also hosting our team for a good chunk of the time. As the bits and pieces of what we are going to do become revealed one by one, I just am getting so excited. This past week we have really been tackling the question: What is the gospel? It is such a simple question, yet it has taken about 3 hours every day of discussion for 5 days to really explore the topic. I am learning how much more important it is to live and be the gospel and simply love on people than merely try to get converts. Words are important, but they are dead without the demonstration of them in our lives. So this is why I'm getting so excited!

You might want to know if doing this DTS was really worth it? Did it meet my expectations? Would I recommend it? Would I live it again? The answer to all of those questions is absolutely yes! I've learned so much that if I were to write them down, they'd fill volumes.....and I probably have begun to do that with my blogs, huh? I really do enjoy all of my wonderful readers and partners with me on my journey! I appreciate all the support back home so much! Your prayers are doing amazing things. So, thank you again.

Today has been one of those amazing experiences, which if possible I would freeze and relish in the moment. Sometimes it's like I feel like I'm getting a little taste of heaven down on earth, and honestly I believe I have. This morning we had debriefs where we talked about our expectations coming here, and how this experience has been different from that. We also talked about what we could do differently, and shared praise reports of what God has done. As I looked around the room....I couldn't help but smile at every one of the students. We have become so close, so intimate, so trusting....and these relationships are so precious....we've watched God reach into one another's hearts and radically transform them before our eyes. But it wasn't the easiest thing. It was challenging, grueling at times and even exhausting. But it was all worth it. Then the afternoon came along, during which I read The Case for Christ. (great book by the way). However this evening was my favorite part of the day, of the school actually. We all were cordially inviting to a formal dessert banquet, and of course we got all dolled up, and all the guys finally took a shower! Thank Jesus! Yeah all 2 of the male students. Did you guys know that? We have 16 girls to 2 guys here? Ok, done with the rabbit trail. The dessert banquet was amazing, and the staff transformed our dining room to a candle light resuraunt! During dessert the staff read these beautiful letters written personally to each of us students, and it was so....um what's the word? eloquent I suppose fits, but I'm sure I was thinking of a different one. Anyways, you get the point. It was awesome and we listened to Michael Bublea....I think that's the wrong spelling. So, yeah....the day was like a taste of heaven.

Sniffles.....we are leaving Belize....so sad. But I just hope that we will remember nights like this and when outreach gets hard and we just remember that God wants us to bring heaven down to earth to the people we minister to and that it would help us put our all in what we do. So my instruction to all of you devout readers is, thank God for every little taste of heaven, and remember that it's a reminder that He loves you and delights in your happiness, but when things get tough, just remember those moments and let him carry you through it.

a bunny running wild in daisies....

I have learned so much this week and feel so much more free that I can barely crunch it down in a short blog....but I'll try okay? So this week we had speaker Tiffany Thompson and amazing, dynamic woman who travels around with Life Promotions as a public speaker with Life Promotions speaking and various topics. The theme she chose for this week was P.I.N.K. An acronym about the promises of God in scripture. P stands for Precious are Your thoughts toward me Oh God...if I were to count them, them would outnumber the grains of sand. Psalm 139: 17-18 I is for Immeasurably more than anything we could ask or imagine is His power at work within us. Eph 3:20, N stands for Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5 and K stands for Kingdom of God is not of this world. John 18:36. You might think this all just sounds pretty cute and sweet, but these messages I found really powerful. On Monday, we all started out our lectures by walking down the beach and find a secluded dock where we could all sit in a circle and ask God to give us His thoughts of encouragement and insight about each of the 18 students here. When we began the process we asked God to reveal to us what he wanted to say to each student. A lot of people got similar mental pictures and words of encouragement for each individual which we verbally shared with them. For nearly every student I felt like God was speaking so many different words and pictures to me...they just came flooding in my mind and just about everything I shared seemed to really resonate with each of them, that I was certain God must have been giving me insight beyond my own. Go God!!! It was so beautiful to see how God loved each person here and was in desperate attempt to reveal more depths of how He saw and thought of everyone here!

Now, I have to tell you something that during this my whole life I have struggled my whole life with a fear of rejection. I haven't shared this with very many people at all. But I have been feeling this rejection a lot.....even here at DTS. Not that anyone rejected me, but I felt like they did. I feared they wouldn't like me if they really knew my past, my mistakes and some of the foolish things I've done. I was really careful about sharing stuff about me, for fear that if they knew they wouldn't respect me as much. I even carried myself around in the fog of believing not everyone really cared to get to know me. "Is something seriously wrong with me that makes me not as fun to hang out with?" I thought....and as I went along my life, it seemed like when others did reject me, break up with me, ignore me or simply not initiate hanging out with me, it was because I just wasn't worth it. And even though I knew that God loved me, I just dumbed myself down, and hide who I really was. So, as each other student got a chance to be encouraged...all 17 of them, I realized I was the last. After about 4 hours went by and everyone got so encouraged, my turn came...and I was so used to it....that it barely phased me, but my heart sunk a little and I didn't really know why...maybe it's because "I'm always the last....but I guess that's just the story of my life." I listened as the devil lied to me....and I believed. I figured I'd get the last leftovers of insights, the least amount of time and everyone was tired. But what soon took place utterly blew my mind. Every single one of my class mates fought for a chance to share with me what God had revealed to them and to encourage me. Myla shared how she looked up to me and was sooo glad that we lived close to each other and was looking forward to hanging out with me when we got back home, then another shared with me how she saw Christ in me every single day wanted to be like me when she grew up, still another shared a picture of a bunny in a field of daisies, running around without a care in the world. Only did I know that my favorite animal as a child was a bunny and that I love daisies. Then about 5 others shared how much they loved how I radically worship God and saw me as such a role model. By this point I was sobbing and laughing, completely overwhelmed that anyone saw me like that. Oh, how much I long to show Christ every day, and here was someone telling me that she saw Christ in me? That I glowed? That I was a woman after God's own heart like King David? and to have everyone unanimously tell me that I was a leader? I don't feel like a leader! I want to be but I don't feel like one. After about 15 minutes of listening to these words, I felt completely broken, like my heart was like a bunny in a cage, fighting to be free.....and then it happened!!!!!!!! The door of the cage opened and I saw myself as that bunny running wild in a field of daisies without a care in the world. Surely God revealed just a few grains of sand amongst the vast beach of His precious thoughts towards me!!!! I pray that God would reveal to you His precious thoughts! Because, even if you don't feel it, He has a lot of them....and He's dying to whisper them to you!

Why suffering?

How would one truly know life if one didn't know death? How would one know love if he didn't first know hate? How would one know freedom if he didn't first know bondage? Sometimes I wonder why there is pain in the world, do you? Sometimes I wonder why there's so much suffering. Sometimes I wonder why those who are good and love the Lord experience so much pain and loss. I think it's okay to wonder these things. I've often fought with these questions, and somewhere down in me I wanted to have the chance to really hear a first hand testimony of someone who was persecuted for their faith, and see how they triumphed....that is if they did. Well, this past week I had the wonderful privilege to meet the author Dan Baumann who wrote the book Imprisoned in Iran and hear him personally teach our small DTS school of 18 students. Dan directs a DTS in Kona Hawaii and worked for many years as a missionary to Afghanistan and other middle eastern countries. But when he followed God's leading to go to Iran he was immediately imprisoned accused of being an American spy and a missionary, which was only half true. He was beaten, persecuted and isolated in a small cage of a prison cell for 9 weeks, and even struggled with the feeling that God had abandoned him. But God surely had not. Sometimes when accused in court before the judge, God would fill him with boldness and he would start preaching to the judge. But at other times, he would feel so much depression and anguish feeling so alone. At one point Dan attempted suicide and Jesus appeared to him in a vision promising to carry him through his hard time, and God began to give him love for his enemies and give him the strength to forgive them. Several weeks into his imprisonment, Dan had gained favor in the eyes of his beater, the judge and the president, as well as several of the guards, even bringing them to a saving knowledge of Christ. After 9 weeks Dan was released from prison through a string of arrangements which can only be explained as a miracle. When Dan tasted freedom after being in bondage for so long, it gave him a completely knew perspective on life. It was like he was experiencing the beauty of life for the first time. It was so much easier to be thankful when he got out of prison, for the things that I experience every day and yet I take such little thought for. Hey, I can see the sky every day! I can go for a walk at any time I feel like it, unless I'm in the middle of work that is. You're suppose to laugh. Anyways, my point is that, so often I'm not very grateful for what I've got, and I'm always wanted something better, and nothing is ever enough for me. But after hearing Dan's talk, I decided to go for a walk with Jesus to talk to Him. I started thanking Him for all He's done, and it was like I opened my eyes to what God has really given me for the first time. I mean I get to be on the beach every day! There's not a day that goes by that God doesn't forget to paint with new colors in the sky! I get to see all these amazing creatures like iguanas, birds, starfish and mosquitoes....ok, I'm kidding about the last. But you get the point, right? God has gifted so many of us with stuff we forget to be thankful for. And yet the exercise of thanksgiving itself will bring so much freedom to us that and it itself will fill us with so much more joy that nothing else can. So, to go back to those questions I raised, about why God lets good people experience suffering. I think that it reminds us of the fact that we are living for something so much bigger than this life. If everything went exactly right, we wouldn't need God. Secondly< I think that when we experience loss, we remember the one who gave it to us and learn to be thankful once we experience something better. But overall, I don't think that God likes suffering at all, but it exists, and it sucks...it really does. And Jesus doesn't like it either, which is why He died for us, because He loves us and He wants to take it away as much as He can. Oh how much I need Him!!! And the world needs us to show His love and compassion. We are his hands and feet. Let's do something about it ok?

In our weakness

My thoughts wander about. So much has happened this week that it is hard to pull it together in a sweet little nutshell. But, alas I must write. If I don't blog, I know I'll forget....so here it goes. God's really been speaking to me lately. It's kinda scary sometimes, because I know it's Him and there's no excuse to rationalize it away as my thoughts. Last Sunday I went for a long walk along the dirt road of San Pedro Town and it was like I didn't feel alone at all. He spoke to me in such a whisper "My daughter, I love you, I will fill you, turn to me for your strength." I'm struck in awe this week at how intimate God wants to be with us. But our journey to draw closer to Him doesn't always come easy. Nor is it any small thing to really be His channel. On Wednesday a group of us was sent out to minister to the locals. We attempted to rely only on God's leading and ask Him where exactly He was leading us. We also fasted so we could rely on God's strength and not our own. But it took a lot of endurance, perseverance, faith and patience. There were times we would walk for an hour looking to see whom God was going to lead us to. There were times when the sun got so hot and we got faint in heart and physically drained. The first day we went up to a nice home where we met the maid and after chatting a bit, we voleenteered to rake her beach and clean the floors. She was overwhelmed with our service, and expressed her gratitude in broken English. We got to bless her and pray with her and invite her to church. She was overjoyed and so were we! Thursday we went on a prayer walk around the slum village of San Mateo. We saw a school called The Holy Cross Elementary and as we felt lead we went in and asked the principle if we could help her out, and do something with the kids. They readily accepted our offer, but we had NO idea what was about to take place. The principle turned two whole classrooms of 7-10 year olds over to us! I bet you're thinking: Awesome! But if you've ever been a substitute teacher you can probably predict what I'm about to say! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! The kids were good for about 10 minutes, and then it was total chaos, but I tried my best to give it all I could tutored them, played some games and taught them some songs. I felt like I nearly was losing it! But as we left the classroom, a little boy slipped me a thank you note and some of the girls looked sorry to have to say good by in just 2 hrs. As soon as the 5 of us regrouped we were exhuasted out of our minds and began to pray desperately for God to refuel us and continue to lead us where we should go. He did and we went one little house built with scrap wood. Thank God two of us knew a little Spanish, however it was difficult. I really wanted to see inside their home, so in my limited Spanish I asked: Are we able to see your house? I was surprised at how welcoming the family was. We went in their home, sat with them, talked with them and pretty much just show them that we cared. I learned that one of them had a dream that white people came and visited them giving them hope. I can not explain how amazing it felt to truly be Christ's hands and feet!!! They even asked us for prayer. There was a mother and father and two children all living in a little shack of a place with only one bedroom separated by a thin sheet. I became somewhat fond of their simplicity, but sad that 9 yr old Joselyn and her brother were unable to attend school simply because they were from Guatemala. Martha was pregnant with her third child and I can only imagine how scarcely they get by! But what can I say, we blessed them simply by showing them that they mattered and were loved. They begged us to return so yesterday we brought them bananas and cookies and a toy for the baby. They all sat around struck with gratitude and awe that we would return. We then played games, sang songs and we each got a turn to hold baby Ander in our arms. We prayed with the family and hugged them goodbye, then we walked the two hours home, again weak from hunger, dizzy from the heat, but this time we walked with more confidence knowing that in our weakness, Jesus Christ showed Himself strong!!! I can't wait for next week because it's ministry week and we are going to be pouring our a lot and working hard!!! Pray that God will protect, provide and guide us every step of the way. Thank you for walking with me virtually on this journey. I love you all!

Mauled by children

Worldview. There are so many worldviews out there. This is such a huge topic because everybody sees things from different perspectives, being raised in different places, cultures and environments. Religion also shapes one's worldview. This is what we are learning this week, about different religions like Buddhism, Hinduism and Islam. We are also discussing what different denominations believe. The real question we are asking this week is what do we believe, and why do we believe what we believe and how do we share the gospel. I absolutely love our speaker this week. Chris Toney is the director of Destination Paradise Discipleship Training School here in Belize. He has traveled to 93 countries of the world and has had the opportunity to work with Mercy Ships in the past which focusses on bringing medical aid to people all over the world in dire need like Trinidad and Africa. He also got to witness to thousands of people over the years simply by being willing to be Christ's hands and feet. I loved the quote he shared with us this morning from St Francis of Assisi: "Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary use words." Wow! So overall the way to show the gospel to people is simply by living it out, and loving people and through that you show them God. I am getting so excited as I hear from each speaker to have opportunities like Chris, Jeff, John and the missionaries I read about to be a channel of love to people who are so hungry for it, and hungry for love, little did I know how soon this opportunity would be. Tonight I went to town as usual for our Friday night out. We take boat runs into town from our island of Ambergris Caye and get to see the real culture, eat at a restaurant or just hang out. This time, I felt specifically that God wanted me to go to town with the objective to go wherever He lead me. So I found myself at the park eating a shrimp burger and watching the kids play in the park. I wondered how and if I could play with the kids, show them some love and if they would welcome me. Funny, but soon a little girl came and started staring at me, thankfully I was able to start a conversation with her in Spanish. She was 4 and before long I was her new best friend. I went over to the beach and asked her if she'd like to play a game with me. Excitedly she said yes, and we started with tic tak toe, then hopscotch and before long about 10 children between 2yrs and 9yrs old joined us and I was being mauled in every direction by kids chasing me and asking me to tell them stories, and tag them. Soon a young man joined our games, and I found out he was a Christian and came from Canada to skydive. He chose to spend his evenings playing with the kids at the park rather than partying like his friends. We had a great time playing different games with the kids for the next 3 hours. But as 9:30pm rolled around, I had to bid the children farewell despite their eager pleas for me to stay. I gave all the precious little children hugs and promised to return next Friday! I slowly walked away to my boat taxi, with my heart overflowing with joy! Thank God for an opportunity to love on kids! .......to be continued

God uses broken people!!!

Wow! Praise God! These past two weeks have been so wonderful! I've been learning so much! These speakers are so amazing. I love lectures! Currently John Merphy is teaching about relationships. What a great topic, from such an oustanding guy. John is the DTS director of Boarders DTS just outside of Denver Colorado. He is 31 years old, married to an amazing gal and has 5 children while he travels often speaking in various DTS schools on the topic of relationships. Yesterday we got to hear his story. It rocked my world! I have not heard of anyone who has both experienced as many miracles and losses. This guy was healed miraculously from a broken tail bone and serious cancer and constantly had oppurtunities to see crazy healings unfold before his eyes as he took his teams on outreaches around the world. But this same man lost his mother in law to cancer as well as his darling little 10 month old baby. More recently a young man shot up his DTS school, killing 2 students. Though it was evident as he shared how much these things tore him to pieces inside, he shared with us through his tears how he was still choosing to trust in God and how he couldn't see how he could have done it without Him. John said we have to choose sometimes even in the good and bad times to say "Blessed be Your Name" to God, even when we don't feel like it. Wow! I was shaken to my core seeing this man's faith, and how he just keeps going no matter what. I was encouraged how much God can use us when we are broken and weak almost more than when we are strong. But I don't like to be broken or weak, I don't know who does, but I am just so encouraged to go forward like this man of God and change the world like him and other amazing people!
I'm so looking forward to everything God is going to teach me this rest of the week. Pray that I might have ears to hear and a heart open to receive whatever God wants to show me. Thank to all my supporters back home and I just want to say that I am sooo close to my financial need for my tuition payments! God knows all my needs and will provide! He is GOOD!!!

I'm not suppose to cry like this

I'm strong. I'm suppose to have it all together? Right? In order to earn respect, love and rewards, I need to work for it? Right? Yeah, I know Jesus died for my sins, and it is simply faith in Him which washes me clean and gives me the right to be in relationship with God. But does God love me just as I am? Without me lifting one finger? Last week at DTS I learned how much He loved me. That He is love. I already knew this guys. I've heard it so much, you've heard it so much. So when I heard it, it didn't phase me, nothing to cry about.... nothing to smile about. I'm being honest here: I just felt plane bored hearing the same thing over and over: God loves me as I am. God is love, God is love....God is love! Nice words.....warm fuzzies maybe....you know what I'm talking about. But I felt unrest.....I wanted to scream. "God isn't just a lovey dovey chocolaty God!" This isn't helping. I know this, I know this. I've heard it all the time. I think even the first song I learned was Jesus loves me....and it comforted me like a teddy bear would when I had a nightmare. What's the big deal? So I said to myself, "okay, if this is nothing knew to me, what do I not know, that I might learn it and walk in more freedom and healing?"

Over the course of my prayers this weekend, I realized I didn't understand what love is. Or else I didn't understand thoroughly in my heart how God loves. Daily. Then today Jeff Pratt shared a true story of a man in the army with his friend who jumped on a hand grenade and ultimately took his life to keep him alive. His version was much more interesting than mine, by the way. But anyways when I heard it....now, I'm not suppose to cry, but I did....something broke in my good composure and I cried as he shared story after story of sacrificial love and passionately explained how God loves us like THAT. Then I realized that I did not really understand what love looked like. From the head to the heart.....again and again and again. I feel like God is breaking my control, my composure, my attitude that I need to have it all together. That He sacrificially and passionately loved me so much and saw me worthy of being pursued. He lives for my joy! He died for my life! He lives so that I can love.....and love likewise sacrificially so that the message which becomes more and more real to me every day might break those who think they have it all together, again and again and again. Wow! And even as I proofread this blog the tears begin to well up in my eyes once more. Sacrificial Love. As a father would die for his child....as a husband would lay down his life for his bride....as a friend would take the sting of death for his buddy. Now that, my friend gives a whole new tone to the three little words: God loves you.

Honeymoon with God

So, I've been here for two weeks now but it seems like way longer it may be the weather change from snow and evergreens to humidity, sun and beaches. Well, the first week I had a hard time adjusting to the new environment, schedule, and not knowing anyone. But sharing our personal testimonies Friday night really helped break our bubbles. In coming here, I was struggling with a lot of anxiety and inadequacy because I didn't feel ready to be a missionary, but after our first week of teaching and seeing how intense that was it set me at some ease! I'm going to be doing a whole lot of growing spiritually during this time I believe.

The first speaker was actually from my hometown and I immediately became very fond of him. He's an older guy in his 60's, a grandpa, pastor and overall a ball of fun. The theme this week was the book of John and we pretty much demolished our Bible pages with how many times we read through it this week! But each time I got so much new stuff out of it! Once we finally all got 100% on our book of John quiz he treated us to ice cream, and I got to feel like a little kid again! He also strongly encouraged us to make it a discipline to stay in the Word daily as well as making a habit of prayer every morning. Just those two things have made a huge difference in me! Praise God! I wonder what's next!

Another thing God is speaking to me is just to live in the present. Not to worry so much about the future and that God's got His hand on my life. As I've been praying I keep getting these pictures of Jesus dancing with me on the beach. And hearing God speak in my heart that He's my Abba, my Daddy and that He wants to give me the desires of my heart! God's been really touching my heart with His love and that He's the master painter, designer and Savior! While sailing this morning we sat on the edge of the boat and squealed like children as waves crashed over us. I just kept thinkin' "God why me? I don't deserve this." over and over again. He is doing something wonderful in my life and I can't believe I'm here. I pray that any of you who read this blog would also have Jesus romance you, in whatever way that it takes. Blessings to you all and thanks to all again who have helped me get here.

I'm here! I'm here!

All the anxiety, all the stress, all the busy preparations and worrying, and I'm here at last! I never would have guessed that it would be this easy! I'm here! All except my backpack which got lost on the way over! Haha, well not exactly lost I hope! When I went to pick up my bag, it was nowhere to be found! I think that someone slacked off and didnt remember to load my bag and one other students. But lets hope they follow through and remember to ship it here this morning. But I am very grateful to be here safely. Last night when I arrived in Belize city, the other students and I got to ride in the cutest smallest plane I've ever been in. Victoria got to sit in the cockpit! It was so cool, but I was afraid we'd crash, because there was a lot of turbulance and we were about as big as a 10 passenger van! When we finally landed at our destination we all walked over to the boat dock and got to ride in a motor boat on the lovely Carribean sea for about 15 minutes to our base. I could barely help myself from shrieking the whole time in delight! The water and sky were amazing! After arriving to the base, we got to have a brief orientation of where we'd be living and then we ate our dinner of massively huge hambergers like a pack of ravenous wolves! I was famished but thankful for such good hearty food. I had no idea how american it was going to be though. So, as soon as I could I climbed into my 'closet' of a bedroom, fell asleep like a baby being rocked to sleep with the Carribean waves and woke up in a sweat! But I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! I am sooo blessed! Can't immagine it being any better! So to all of you back at home who have prayed for me, journeyed with me during my planning and gave whatever you could to help me get here: I love you all and thank you! I will keep you posted!